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I’ve Been Meaning To

April 3, 2016

So, i’ve been meaning to write for a while now, to update on everything. I don’t know if this will be long or short, but it seems i’ve left posting until i’ve really needed to.

To start off on a happy note before i plummet. My baby girl was born on the 20th December 2015. I see both her and her sister whenever i can, there were a few issues at first but now i’m seeing them alot, and i wouldn’t change it for the world. Seeing my daughters is everything to me. It’s my eldest’s birthday on Tuesday, i can’t wait, shell be three.
I’ve been taking loads of pictures, so, here they are, my little sweethearts.
I love them with all my heart.

 

 

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Now, to get down into the right now and the past few months.

Current Song Playing: Smile Empty Soul – With This Knife

Emotions: Up and down. When it’s up it’s past the sky, when it’s down i can’t see the bottom.
Living Situation: Renting spare rooms. Uncomfortable. Out of place. Uncertain. Unhappy.
Financial Situation: Struggling. Some months I can barely make ends meet, bread and butter or nothing sometimes. Other times I can spoil my little girls when i see them. Hoping to save to get my own place but i don’t know just how realistic that actually is.

I’ve tried making new friends so that there are actually people I could talk to, but i can barely keep those who used to talk to me, let alone make any new ones. I’ve met a few people, though they drift away pretty quickly once they find out what i’m really like. Awkward, random sadness, on edge, anxious, distant.
Though there is one person i’m talking to right now who hasn’t gone, they want to come up and see me, i’m looking forward to it.

My 21st was… barely a birthday to say the least, i went out for lunch with a friend which was nice, but other than that i worked and just came back to my… living conditions, i can’t call it a home when i feel as i do here, hiding away in my room.

Found something interesting lately TWLOHA, i’ll leave a link. To quote their mission ‘To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.’ It’s a worthwhile cause in my eyes. https://twloha.com/

Here’s a blog post from there which i found an insightful read, about depression: https://twloha.com/blog/five-lies-depression-told-me-3/

Now to the right now. Eh… i don’t even know, one minute i was sitting here quite happy and smiley, the next i was feeling like i couldn’t see the surface. I don’t really know what to say, i just, wanted to write something, i try feel a little better. some sleep would probably do me good. I’ve been losing sleep for a while now, less and less every night. Broken up into tiny little sections. bad dreams. Likely i’m just overworked, more hours with no breaks. Then again, that could just be me looking for an excuse to feel like this, i’m not sure right now. I mean, i know i’ll feel better in the morning. I always do, i put on that smile and i go out into the world.
Seeing my daughters though, when i see them, that smile becomes truly real, i’m filled with warmth, love and happiness. Just seeing them smile makes my whole day, just getting walking to them clears any fog in my mind and makes me happy. Soon. Soon.

Have a quote from a youtuber i sometimes watch, Jacksepticeye. It just make me smile on the inside. ‘It’s like punching yourself in the face, tryin’a make lasagna. It’s just not gonna fucking work.’

I’ll leave this here, as i’m not sure what to write.
I hope you all have a great day, just know, it’s ok to not be ok.
You don’t need to pretend you’re ok when you’re not, you will always have people there for you. That includes me, even if you don’t know me, shoot me a message or an email or something, hey, find me on facebook. Stranger or no, i’ll always be here for you and listen to your problems. No one is truly alone. I promise.
Always find that thing that makes you smile 🙂

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Nine Months

December 7, 2015

Nine months. Nine long months since i last posted even an inkling of my life. These months have been up and down, to the extremes of both. I’ve been putting this post off for a while now because i simply don’t know what the hell to write, but I don’t have work till the evening tomorrow so i have time tonight to really sit here until i have a fair bit written, whether i like it or not. As i know it’ll be good for me to get these words out. To actually write instead of bottling. I digress however, what i’m going to write, i’m not sure, but i’m gonna sit here and write for a little while, unlikely to be chronological or make sense in places, but here we are. Away i go.

I suppose that’s something new, mentioned it already. I have a job, nothing amazing, pay is alright but the contract isn’t great, 20 hours with little chance for more now. They’re getting cut as low as possible. Money is tighter than it has ever been, but i suppose that’s just because of the whole being more independent thing now, actually relying on myself, finally growing up in that sense. I’m an Oven Fresh General Assistant for Morrisons. I always find something to complain about, but frankly i’m grateful to have my job, a pain at times or not, i do enjoy it when it’s not too busy and it actually gets me talking to people, actual human beings, in person. The bosses are pretty great too, fairly lenient whilst also being firm, it’s just nice, I feel like they actually listen to me usually, though other colleagues may not agree. I’ve been there a good few months now, it wasn’t too hard to get a job once i came to Inverness, i suppose that’s because it’s a city, there are many more opportunities than in a small town, and you have less competition to get them for the same reason. At least that’s my take on it.

I guess that’s something else i should mention, I moves to Inverness, to Scotland. Shortly after my last post, so i could be with Annmarie and Lisamarie. Literally just up and left everything for my little shot at happiness, a family. Inverness is a nice place, despite the opinion of many, but i suppose that’s natural, once you’ve been anywhere for a while you tend to get sick of it, well, most people at least. It reminds me of Norwich, not quite as old fashioned, less cobble streets and a distinct lack of tudor architecture, but still beautiful in it’s own way.

Now we get to something else i should talk about. My little shot at happiness. I suppose i moved to fast or something? I don’t know, we were happy for a time. I guess i just wasn’t used to being around people and people weren’t used to being around me, used to the way i was, the way i meant things. I won’t go into too much detail about the whole thing, but lets just say that the months i was with her were the happiest of my life so far, i really felt truly happy. Sure, there were down times, really rocky times and really hard times, but there were really good times too, i don’t know if she’d think the same right now, but, i do look back on those good times and remember them very, very fondly. Being with her, Lisamarie and their family was amazing. I really felt like i had my own little family; wife and daughter. I suppose i might be saying too much, but i also might not be saying enough, i suppose i’ll leave it in that little sort of limbo, kinda safe from either then. I’m gonna have a baby soon, Amandajane, in a few days, maybe even sooner. It’s a bit of a touchy subject for me right now, but know for sure that i love her and i will always be there for her, just as i will Lisamarie, and Annmarie. I’ve decided there’s no use holding onto bad memories or feelings, they cloud your judgement too much. Just repair what you can and make the best out of what you have. I’m excited about the birth, and i hope i can be there when it happens. Time will tell. The last i’ll say on this subject is that I still have a great deal of love and care for my daughters and Annmarie, i’ll be there for them all.

Current living situations? Staying with a friend from work till i can get somewhere else, paying rent/bills and waiting as i try to save, impossible as it may be atm. I am grateful for this roof over my head more than i say, as without it i’d probably be on the streets. Not a whole lot else to say about that really so i’ll leave it there.

Social skills. Getting better. I suppose that’s a given when you work with the public, but still, not great. I’m trying though, trying to talk to old friends and keep the ones i have atm, doing my best to make an effort to talk to people more, even when i don’t really feel like it and just want to hide away for a while. As usual music is always making me smile and affecting my emotions, negatively and positively, but i’m doing my best to be, think and act more positively.

My emotions recently have been up and down, not so much like a rollarcoaster, more thrown around by a hurricane in every direction, occasional residing in the eye of the storm, unsure how to feel but not quite comfortable either.

I’ve been helping a friend with their college work this last week or two. Childcare stuff. I’ve actually really enjoyed it, taken be back to when i was in 6th form. I always have enjoyed writing, whether it be blogging, creatively or in essay form. I just think it helps me to start typing and get lost in it, calms me down i suppose, like a kind of personal meditation. Even if i do find it hard to get started.

Physical health? Back is still killing me as always, lost a few stone since coming to Scotland. That’s about it. I cycle to work now too, it’s either that or an hour walk, which i don’t really feel like doing when it’s still dark out, especially in winter. it’s cold enough in the sunshine, let alone the wind’s chill factor. Then there’s the rain, it’s not too often but when it rains boy does it rain. Nearly got blown off the bike a few times on the way home the other night.

‘Every once in a while in the middle of an ordinary life love gives us a fairytale’, ‘No 1 Dad’, ‘To my lovely Daddy from your Daughter with Love on Fathers Day’ Three things that i look at each time i sit down here or lie in bed. Three items that each fill me with emotion, i’m so grateful to have them, they do make me smile.

Ahh, Christmas. I suppose i can’t avoid that subject, with it being December and all. It’s hard. Really, really hard. Affording Christmas alongside everything else has become difficult but i think i should be ok, skipping 2 of three meals each day is helping alot with costs and isn’t really too hard to deal with. I have cards for everyone, just a few more presents to get. I got my girls their presents already, they weren’t extravagant, but i really hope that they enjoy them. I’m not sure what Christmas day is gonna be like but it should be ok.

Public travel isn’t something i have an issue with anymore, the move out here changed me in many, many ways. Shaped and molded me. This is just one of the changes, having used buses and trains a fair bit they don’t phase me too much anymore. I’ve been down to see family once since i’ve come here, i went down with Annmarie in August when i took some time off from work. I’m really glad they got to meet her, always something i wanted to happen 🙂

I’ve lost contact with one of my very best friends in the last few months, just up and disappeared one day a couple months back; Charlotte, i hope she’s ok. Ever since i met her in highschool she was always there for me. I have had a couple friends there for me recently though, Amy and Sarah. I don’t get to talk to Sarah much but that’s understandable in her position, i’m just grateful for when she’s there to listen to me ramble on. Amy i’m glad is there to listen to me when i’m a miserable shit. I still have my ups and downs like everyone else, my few friends really are my crutches at times, i just hope i’m able to be there in return for people when they need it. I enjoy being there for people, for anyone, as long as they end up smiling then i’ve done a good job. Being there for people isn’t something i’ve done hugely since i finished high school, kinda lost that in 6th form but it’s coming back and i couldn’t be happier about it.

I’ve been trying to get back into my creative writing lately but i just haven’t been able to get started atall, i sat there for about 10 hours once, stayed up most of the night and still barely got a word or two down, i suppose now just isn’t the time. Maybe once my mind is a little lighter and able to relax i’ll find it easier to write like that, to write for fun. I’m glad my typing skills on a keyboard never left me, i do love being able to type at a decent speed, sure i make a few mistakes and miss hit a key every now and then, but for the most part i’m fairly accurate and i enjoy that feeling. Just typing for a while and being able to just let it flow without correcting myself too much. I’ve even noticed i can type without looking at the keyboard for short periods now, just comes with practice i guess.

I’ve really been appreciating how beautiful things look too y’know. From buildings to nature and the sky. it’s just… nice. To be able to have a moment of peace and reflection.

Feelings right now? Not 100% sure, not overly upset or down, but not hugely happy either, just somewhere on a middle ground, but not quite content either. It’s strange, just in the eye of thee storm again i guess.

I’m sure iv’e left out a lot on this post, i mean, this can’t be enough to cover nine months, but this’ll o for now. I’ll try to update more often, but we’ll see. I’ll leave this here for now.

To anyone who has read this far, have an amazing day, and don’t let anyone get you down, you’re worth more than that. Keep smiling, always, and if you need it, i’ll be here to listen to you.

My Unicorn

February 23, 2015

As I’m writing this on my tablet, it’ll probably be short, but here goes.

I recently spent a week with the beautiful Annmarie. A week that went by way too quickly. Spending time with her and her family, it was amazing. I loved spending time with my perfect little family :’)
I finally overcame my fear of travel. Takes nearly ten hours in all to get to her but it’s so worth it. I love her so very much and I want to spend my whole life with her.

Going up again soon, got my things packed already. I feel so warm, happy, content and smiley with her. Plus I like where she lives and her family. Sure it’s cold there, and sure, I suck with words and describing but I’m just happy with her 🙂

I’m rambling a lot now, so I’ll end this here. But, if you read this.
Annmarie, you’re a beautiful Unicorn and you’re my world. I love you.

It Has been Too Long

January 14, 2015

There’s no way i’ll be able to sum up all that has been happening since my last entry, because, well, i’m signing. I know, I know, it’s no excuse, but still, i’m in a good mood.

So, listing off events since my last entry in the correct order (what i can remember anyway).
Princes Trust course, getting into Hospitality; included two weeks working in a Premier Inn, I loved it. Got Food Safety level 1.
Got a mobile again, after many, many years. I’m with Giff Gaff.
Christmas. Got socks (really needed them, i can’t stress that enough) some other little bits and a tablet, 10.1″ screen. It’s pretty nice, but between that and a touchscreen phone I feel like an old man.
New Year. Nothing particularly special but it wasn’t bad either.

While this isn’t completely chronological perhaps my favourite event of all is that I’m in a relationship with Annmarie. She stole my heart and I couldn’t be happier. Sure, she’s very far away, but I should be able to afford to visit her soon and I really, really can’t wait :’) I actually talk to her on the phone. Willingly. AND look forward to it. :3

Oh, and no, i don’t have a job yet >.< But I am on a course for a level 1 in IT, approximately a C at GCSE sort of level. Yeah I have a Distinction in IT for GCSE, but a refresher and new qualification never hurts 🙂 It’s more fun than I expected it would be, It’s so nice to get out o the house.

I don’t know what else to write right now, OH! right, yeah, the reason i haven’t been on is that my Laptop decided ‘Nope’ and just quit on me. Well, more specifically, my hard drive. I think the windows version and recovery partition got corrupt during an update, i can’t get it to work. Though I am using my sisters laptop to type this, she’s been kind enough to let me use it 🙂 She’s amazing and I love her (Don’t let her know I said that).

But yeah, I think that’s all for now. Have an amazing day everyone 😀 I’m off to (possibly) so some writing by hand for a story or something. I’ll also be listening to some Nightcore. Today is a good day.

*Shrugs*

August 9, 2014

I don’t really know what to write, but, I feel like i should write something. I just feel kinda eh… before i get onto that, a couple of positive things, had step-dad’s and little sister’s birthday over last couple of days. That was nice. Oh, and I watched Final Fantasy VII Advent Children Complete, glad i finally got around to it, i liked it alot more than the game.

Though right now I just kinda sit here staring at the screen, 18:29 apparently, time goes by fast. Lately there’s been one person who i’ve been talking to who’s made me smile, made me more confident in myself and made me feel as though i could open up to them about things, even the worst of things. Though now that’s not really happening, much. I wrote down something to show them after this was all over, though how things’re looking right now I don’t know if that’s going to be possible. I guess it’ll be for my eyes only, a reminder of how I feel… how i felt. Not sure how much of what I was told is true, but until proved otherwise i’ll try to believe it all, even if the smile’s gone. There is so much I want to say to them but now i don’t know if i should, i mean, you can’t change a person. Though to be honest I don’t want to change them anyway, they were just perfection as they are. I suppose i’ll get over this after a while ahah. Back to listening to Mayday Parade for a couple hours.

Yeah, like i said, not really sure what to say, as i don’t want to say too much right now because most of it is just a ‘what if’ scenario in my head. I always listen to my mind after instead of before, silly really but it’s just how I am. No regrets though, not a single one surrounding this.

Either way, everyone keep smiling and don’t let anyone get you down, because no matter what there’s always a chance you can pull through whatever’s getting you down, or at least lessen it’s effect on you. That goes for you too, if you read this, you know it’s you i’m talking about.

Drawing, Writing And A Friend

July 7, 2014

So, right now, i have three things to talk about, under two paragraphs. Welp, here goes, positivity followed by more positivity 😀

So, i mentioned trying to restore some aspect of a social life before, right? Well, I think I did anyways, and, i must say, i think i’ve done pretty well. Been talking to this girl for a bit over a day now and we get along so well. It feels great to talk to people more again 🙂 Admittedly, i have been talking to another close friend a little too when they’re not at work but this is about my new friend, who, i honestly feel close to. She’s a similar age to me, red hair and a fun-sized unicorn. She’s very positive and smiles alot – I like that 🙂 There’s also the fact that we have some similar interests, the first of which was some aspects of music which we spoke about for a bit 😀
Ahah, i sound like a little kid writing some of this but eh, you should know by now if you’ve read anything i’ve written here before that my writing skill takes a dip when i’m just spouting off everything from my mind all at once. For a second I was very hesitant about opening up to them, with me being a stranger to them, but i’m really glad i did.

Well, I hope to talk to them alot more over the next few days – hope I don’t become annoying. All this positivity has made me a little more smiley, i’ve been feeling rather lonely lately and this really picked me up 🙂 Well, i’ve decided to get back into drawing and writing again. I think my writing skill far surpasses my drawing skill, but i try 😛 I’ll probably attach a picture somewhere on this post about my most recent drawing alongside an older one for comparison (I’ve taken a big dip in skill, got to re-learn things again, not that they were amazing to begin with).

Ok, i lied, 3 paragraphs, and a picture. Listening to a variety of music atm and singing more than i probably should – If people could hear me ‘sing’ they’s probably cry, my voice is atrocious XD Thinking about stories I can write, particularly ones that differ from old ones, they were a bit eh most of the time – but i enjoyed it 🙂 Hmm, i’m not sure what to write, so here. New followed by old. I drew at a weird angle… Oh well :3

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Been A Long Time

July 4, 2014

Well… It’s been a while, huh? Sorry. I’ve been kinda busy finishing up 6th form and such and going through the same pressure most teens do at somepoint – ‘get a job’. Right, like it’s that easy. Sure, you can apply, but that doesn’t mean you’ll get one.

Feelings. Eh. Everywhere. Generally alright but at times things’re boring and i just feel crap XD Social life still fairly non-existant, i’ve made efforts to get it back on track but it really doesn’t help when you’re completely ignored by every single person you try to talk to.
Half the time i feel like a stereotypical teen girl in that i’m hating my body. Weight, stretch marks, I can’t stand it and i don’t see how i’m going to be able to be confident about myself around any future partners is beyond me – I’ll let future James work out that.

Sixth Form Summer Ball tonight. I honestly don’t really know why i’m going, i’ve been told nearly nothing atall about it. I mean i had to phone up just to find out what damn time to be there. I just hope that it’ll be fun, i’ll probably do my usual thing and lurk in a corner somewhere. On top of that i just hope I actually get there on time and find out exactly what’s happening.

Hmm, i think i’m done rambling for now. Have fun all – Keep smiling no matter what.