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A story…

September 8, 2011

Mayday Parade – Terrible Things

That song, brought back feelings of pain i had long forgotten, but before i get to that, let me tell you… a ‘story’…

About a year ago, I moved house, from Norwich, to Leighton Buzzard. Partway through my GCSE’s.

I thought to myself ‘New school. New start.’
You see, i wasn’t exactly popular in my old school, infact, most people who knew me hated me, fights every otehr day usually. It was hell, but it was life. I was determined not to have the same thing happen at my new school. I went in on my first day, nervous as hell, not knowing anyone. For the first few days i was isolated, i don’t socialise well and i hardly spoke. Eventually i found my way into a group of friends ‘the quad’. We met up outta school sometimes, and most of us met up by the benches in the school’s quad most of the time, hence the name of the friend group.

This is only the beggining of my story, everythign seemed happy, i was happy. Apart from one thing, i was missing love, i wanted someone to hold close, someone to lay with at night. Yes, i was only 15/16 but i still wanted it, more than anything. I’d give anything for it. That was when ‘she’ came.
She was such a beauty and if i’m honest i loved her from first sight, i didn’t say anything of course. We slowly became friends, she made me smile. She had beautiful blonde hair, a gleaming smile and she was something else, perfect, that’s waht i thought anyway. As friends we invented a word, Chagas, it came about whilst talking about resident evil 5, and cheese, random i know, but random’s good.

I wanted to ‘ask her out’. My friend who recently moved to Leighton from Norwich, well, i thought he was my friend. He knew i loved her, he knew she meant alot to me. But i found out he took her, he was in a relationship with her, whilst i had my back turned. He still has the nerve to tell me i stabbed him in the back. All because i told her how i felt, she told me how they were drifting apart and he didn’t seem to care, after a while she left him. Soon after we were together. A seemingly flawless relationship in my eyes, apart from the distance. We grew close, we would sneak out of school to spend time at my house, sometimes one thing would lead to another when we were alone, and yeah, thing’s happened but i’m not gonna explain about that. You see, the thing is, i really loved her, she helped me so damn much through life. After a few months i found something out about her, Cancer. You would have no idea how much i cried, i didn’t sleep for days, i didn’t eat, i hardly drank anything. The only constant was the tears, i sat in my room, alone for days, crying. I slowly began to accept it, i managed to hide the constant pain of it all. But i guess that’s what did it. I went into a depressive spiral. Involving self-harm, tears and blood. I wouldn’t tell anyone. I just kept it all bottled up inside.
When she found out, it hurt her. I hurt her. I stressed her out, so i guess it’s all my fault. Stress related it was, Cancer. She left me in the end, said i hurt her too much, i was too sad, said i stressed her, said we ‘lost our spark’. I could have waited till the end of time for her.

She told me all these sweet things while i was with her, said she could never love another man. She quickly moved on though, a few guys on her way out, then setteled with some guy for a bit, though it didn’t last long for them. I slowly got over it all, eventually i sealed away the thoughts, the pain, the heartache. I had a friend from Norwich, Charlotte, she helped me so damn much, i stopped self-harming, i could smile again, i was almost happy. After a while i had a week in norwich, though i ended up there for 2 weeks. I spent almost every day with her. It was bliss to be quite honest. We had a kind of…relationship… between us by the time i left. She made me feel love again, i tried to shut it out after my last failure. But it hurt, alot, being hours away from her by car. I had difficulty travelling, But still, we stayed strong for a while. She couldn;t handle the pain and it ended, as quickly as it begun.

I went back into a depressive state, listening to music to keep my feelings stable. It was only a few days ago, but it’s gonna get much worse. Recently, i listened to mayday parade again.

Mayday Parade – Terrible Things

That song, it brought back all the pain from my failures…the hurt of breakup, the pain of finding out about her Cancer…the tears…everything i had bottled away all that time..it came out..and i cried so much…i cried on my own, i wanted someone to cuddle, someone to hug…but it isn;t gonna happen, is it? I mean, what’s the point of it all if it always ends in pain. People will say, “oh, you’re young, you don’t know what love is.”  But that’s not always true, I do, love hurts and it always will, i still wanna find it in the end, but the question is, will it find me?

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