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A bit of a ramble, being selfish i guess

September 6, 2012

2/8/2012

————-

So i cried again tonight, that’s the fith night in a row now i think. I’m still not 100% sure why though. I think maybe it’s because i don’t belong  anywhere. I don’t belong in leighton. I don’t belong with ‘friends’. I even feel like i don’t belong in my home anymore. The one place i feel i belong is with someone i love and loves me back. In my knowledge there is only one person who truly loves me, Charlotte. One hundred and twelve miles away. I worked it out yestreday. I suppose i could’ve wrote 112 miles, but oh well. I feel i love one other person. Kirsty, though i feel that could never be. BUt oh, Charlotte, you mean so much to me, I love you, I lust for you even. I miss you deeply, i’d give almost anything to be able to see you. I haven’t een you in a year now (not two as i though). I would do anything for you. i would die for you, I would live for you, i guess that’d be kinda appropriate as i don’t think i’d be living now if it wasn’t for your comforting words. Just the thought of you here makes me smile. The only thing that makes me truly smile is you. I feel so out of place without you.

Alas, i fear i’m not good enough for love. I’m selfish and needy. All i want is love. Wanting is selfish, right? I could state a million different lyrics to help me describe myself, but that’d be pointless.

 

Also, just a note, my language may seem somewhat strange for a seventeen year old boy, i mean i wrote ‘Alas’. But that’s ’cause of the books i’ve been reading as of late – ‘Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte’ and ‘The French Lieutenant’s Woman by John Fowels’.

I realise i’m going on quite a bit here, but i’m somewhat troubled. I mean, before i spoke of re-establishing contact with my ex, Chelsea, which i have now lost through no fault of my own, though i still blame myself. I’ve been to the doctors on several occasions and have had blood tests and such for pains which have no obvious course. I miss the intimacy of being with a lover and partner. I miss Charlotte endlessly nd worry greatly about Kirsty. I honestly don’t usually worry about myself, but it’s all piling up and i just want someone here i can hold, hug and love. A little comfort in all of this. Also, forgot to mention, that inbetween all of this i’m doing work for 6th form which i’m having trouble concentrating on.

All i can do right now is sit up at night, waiting for morning to crawl over the houses. Wondering when i’ll finally see Charlotte, if i’ll talk to Chelsea again and if Kirsty’s ok. Charlotte, please, never forget that i love you and that i’ll always be in your life. And if  you read this Kirsty, sorry >.<  And Chelsea, i miss your friendship.

 

I just don’t wanna cry anymore, i wanna be loved.

Damn!I’m so self-centred.

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