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October 18, 2013

Had no internet. Wrote this one night when i was feeling pretty crap. But here it is, most not currently true.

 

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Date: 7th October 2013

Time: 20:14 – 21:48 (Wow… I didn’t realise I was typing for so long… Nearly an hour and a half. Oops.)

Entry Tone: Negative with occasional happiness and gratitude.

General Feeling(s): Lost, Distant, Confused

Word Of The Moment: Muddle. Verb 1: Jumble or mix things up. 2: Confuse.
Noun 1: A muddles condition or thing; confusion or disorder.

Listening To As Of Right Now: Beautiful Day by The Melody – Love Story by Taylor Swift – Why by Secondhand Serenade – Kiss by Sandra (?) – Tears Don’t Fall by Bullet For My Valentine – If You Can’t Hang by Sleeping With Sirens – Cat And Mouse by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus – Crush Crush Crush by Paramore – If Today Was Your Last Day – Nickleback – Thanks For The Memories by Fall Out Boy (?) – Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy by Tata Young – White Houses by Vanessa Carlton – I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace – Send The Pain Below by Chevelle – Buried Alive by Avenged Sevenfold – The Way She Feels by Between The Trees OR To Write Love On Her Arms by Hawthorne Heights (Not Sure Which Anymore) – One Man Drinking Games by Mayday Parade – Walk by Pantera – Kiss The Girl by Ashley Tisdale (?)

Thoughts/Entry: Today is not a good day. I don’t feel myself atall. Haven’t had internet for a few days. I have coursework due this week i haven’t started. I have other coursework that i can’t start ontop of that. Need internet for that one. I need to read Beloved by Toni Morrison for yet another piece of coursework. I can’t buy the things I need for school. I can’t speak to Charlotte properly which isn’t helping much. I miss her. I feel… wrong. Today is not a good day.

I saw Charlotte twice in the last week for a total of about 4 hours. That… that meant the world to me, to be able to hug her, hold her, kiss her. We played Spyro The Dragon, Year Of The Dragon on Saturday. I enjoyed it. I hope she reads this, if she does, I want her to know; Charlotte, thank you for everything so far. You mean the world to me and I am so glad i met you. I’m gonna be there through everything, I promise. This makes me giggle because i sound silly saying it, but, the way you smell, your deodorant. It still lingers in my room. Making this the happiest place for me right now, as close to you as i will be for a while.

Other good things…hm… I’m now recieving my bursary for this year. A little money. Hopefully It will go to good use. Money. Such a brilliantly useless thing. A small piece of fabric, a metallic circle. Worth so much but when you look at it, on it’s own, it’s nothing. Never enough of it. Never enough. You see people who get upset that they don’t have the very newest phone, or that they can’t go on holiday. (I just wrote something somewhat aggressively rude or violent, i’ll leave this in it’s place. I don’t want my blog to be full of profanity and anger.) They’ll never really understand what it’s like to not have enough until they can’t rely on mummy or daddy to help them anymore. I’ll leave money alone now. the subject is… silly.

Apologies for any strangeness I may portray. That’s probably not the right word, but ‘eh, i’m not having a good day when it comes to words anyway. I spent 10 minutes trying to spell territory earlier. I had it right the first time. I haven’t been able to get my words out properly, slurring them, mixing them up. I’m 18 not 80 damnit! I’m sorry… that wasn’t called for. I just hate this feeling, having to think about each and every little word before I type it. This is the longest i’ve taken to write a blog and it’s not even going up for what i’ll expect to be at least another two weeks while I try to afford the internet bill. Listening to songs on my memorystick right now. It’s on shuffle. A few hundred but i’ve gone through them all at least three times in the last few days.
This damn software (?) that i’m typing on. I hate it. I like looking at the little red or blue zig-zag underlines you get on Microsoft Word when you mess up with lexis or semantics. …Did i really just say that… lexis and semantics… I don’t even use them when writing coursework. Why on Earth am I using them now? ‘Eh, oh well.

You may have noticed the layout at the top of this entry. Date, Mood, Word Of the Day. Those things. I just wanna try it, see how it feels. To anyone reading, comment, let me know what you think of it. Please. Also, yeah, there’s a fair few songs listed at the top I know. I’m writing each one down as it comes on. The longer I stay writing this the more will be there. Let me know if there’s too many. Thanks. It’s getting tedious scrolling up every 3-4 minutes to add another, but, i’m commited to it now.

I’ve just noticed i’ve gone over a page of A4… wow.

Another positive section now. I just glanced up at the picture above my bed of me and Charlotte. I’m wearing my 18th birthday badge. Yes. I wore a big round badge. Deal with it. I liked it. Hehe. Our smiles, an arm around each other while her mummy took the picture, to be honest, it was a happy moment for me and I hope for them too. Thank you Charlotte for that day, it was great spending the night in your arms. Also, Lizzie, thank you so much for making it possible, I know you may not always think that much of me, i’m not the greatest of people, but it means alot that you put up with me. Thank you for always driving whenever me and Charlotte see each other, and thank you, for being Charlotte’s mummy. I’m sorry if calling you Lizzie was too informal, I genuinely apologise if it is. I guess what i’m saying it, Charlotte, thank you and your family for everything.

I better save this before I accidently close it without saving it…done.

I just laughed, there’s no real time passing as i write that for you, but for me it was a good 30 seconds or so.

I wonder if anyone’s still reading. I know my little rants. My little outbursts. They aren’t exactly an intriguing read. Not very regular either. But they’re truthful. I hope that counts for something. Thank you to anyone who’s still here. I know the words may not make much sense, but they’re said as they come into my mind. I don’t usually change the order of them so they don’t really conform to the standard English Language most of the time, but then again, much of the English Language doesn’t conform to the standard English Language. I don’t know what i’ve said so far on this subject, but for my second (White Houses just came on, I love this song!) year of sixth form I’ve dropped History, I’m still doing English Language, Psychology and English Literature. I’ve continuing General Studies too. It’s one lunchtime a week. English Literature. I passed it last year by 6 marks, getting an E. I got a D in History. One of my teachers has already made it abundantly clear that they’re more than happy to drop me if i get anything less than a D in this coursework that’s due in this week. If i get dropped from English Literature. I’ll be down to two core subjects. Then i’ll get kicked out of sixth form. Confidence boost right? No. She practically told me I was going to fail. Bet i’m real enthusiastic now, huh? And yes. These are rhetorical questions. Completely sarcastic. I don’t know if that came across in the writing.

I just realised how awkward my song layout is up top. It’s <name> by <band> <next name> by <next band>-. It should have been <name> – <band> : <next name> – <next band> :. Or is it fine? I don’t know. I don’t know anymore.

Without internet i’ve been getting between 7-8 hours of sleep. Much better than the 5 i used to normally get. You’d think so anyway. I now look more sleep deprived than I used to and I feel a hell of alot more tired after about halfway through the day. I feel like i was better off just getting 5. No use complaining now I guess.

Back in a second, gonna go make my fourth coffee of the day. I’m gonna pause my music too.
I was 15 minutes. I also have tea. Oh well. Fatigue. Maybe that’s what’s making me feel like this. I have a yoghurt downstairs. I’ll have it after this drink. I sound like an old man with all the short, unrelated sentences. That wasn’t meant to be generalised to all ‘old’ people.

I just choked on my tea. My back hurts. I have problems with my back. It’s not very nice. My posture. Slouched, shoulders rolled forward. It hurts to sit properly, but I do it as much as I can. (I just found sugar on my shorts.) Oh, we have a new oven. Electric still, ew, but new none the less. I went down at 2 am one night and i couldn’t see the backdoor from the kitchen door. Ring had been left on, causing the fat to be set alight and burning the tea towels that sit upon the oven top. Luckily not the whole kitchen. Oh, and no, we don’t keep the tea towels there anymore. They sit on the kitchen side. I spelt burning wrong; burnign. I corrected it. I also went to take another sit from an empty cup.

I’m gonna go get my yoghurt, back in a second. I know you probably have no interest, but yeah, i’m literally typing everything that comes to mind. Back in a minute. Maybe 15.
I didn’t look at the time, I didn’t know how long I was. Muller Corner Red Cherry. i perfer the one with Chocolate. Beggars can’t be choosers I guess. It’s pink now. I mixed it. I’m using a teaspoon too. That’s not normal for me. Am i tired? I talk alot when I am and i’ve been typing for a fairly long while. Maybe I should do work when i’m tired. I’m not gonna be motivated to do it am I? Already been told i’m destined to fail. Head of Sixth Form also wants me to try go to college for three years after this one. To do a childcare course. I would. But. I don’t want to do any more education. I’m forcing myself through it as it is already. Plus i’m getting fat. 13.5 stone. I hate it. It will change. I don’t wanna look bad for Charlotte. Plus it upsets me too. I’ll walk the dogs every so often. It’s a start at least. I should eat my yoghurt now I guess, it’s just sitting there.

My other English Literature teacher was making appointments with everyone in their frees. Being my confused self today I made mine during a lesson tomorrow. I’ll see if i can sort it out. If not i’ll just miss part of my Psychology lesson. Or maybe i’ll skip the appointment. I don’t know. I should probably listen to some Nightcore to try cheer myself up and do some coursework tonight. I probably won’t. Probably.

W-ifi. Student Wi-fi. Except. It’s not for students. Nope. Absolutely no. Students are not allowed to use it and the code will not be given out. They must use the school computers which are always in use by lower years playing games or looking up some crap like the latest football scores. Oh, and when you can get on them, you can’t go on youtube to transcribe those episodes of British sitcoms for your coursework. So you fall behind in coursework. Because you have no internet at home and the Wi-fi labelled ‘Student Wi-fi’ Isn’t for students. What’s the point of it if it’s not to be there? I’ll be damned if I know.

I just don’t know today. I want to cry. I want to clutch someone close and just cry until I feel better. I know i’ll be ok in the morning, maybe i’ll sleep. I can speak to Charlotte in the morning. I use gmail at school to email her. It isn’t blocked. I wanna cuddle up in bed with my bunny boo, hehe, I love saying that, I don’t know why. I wanna cuddle up in bed with my bunny boo, Charlotte, I wanna whisper that I love her and fall asleep in each others arms. Those nights. Those nights are the best of my life. To be with someone who truly cares and to sleep with them. Literally just sleep. Then to wake up next to you and snuggle with you till you wake up. I love you so much and damnit I miss you. I really, really, really miss you. Charlotte, I can’t wait till we can afford a flat or something. I can’t wait till we can be together every night. Or close to it. But for now, I think i’ll just sleep. I might do something before I do, try to enjoy a game or something. But ultimitely, I will sleep tonight, cuddled up to Matthew (A big teddy that sits on my bed) and imagine it’s Charlotte, and i’ll smile then drift off to sleep happily.

I guess, for now, talk to you all later. Thank you for listening.

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