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Nine Months

December 7, 2015

Nine months. Nine long months since i last posted even an inkling of my life. These months have been up and down, to the extremes of both. I’ve been putting this post off for a while now because i simply don’t know what the hell to write, but I don’t have work till the evening tomorrow so i have time tonight to really sit here until i have a fair bit written, whether i like it or not. As i know it’ll be good for me to get these words out. To actually write instead of bottling. I digress however, what i’m going to write, i’m not sure, but i’m gonna sit here and write for a little while, unlikely to be chronological or make sense in places, but here we are. Away i go.

I suppose that’s something new, mentioned it already. I have a job, nothing amazing, pay is alright but the contract isn’t great, 20 hours with little chance for more now. They’re getting cut as low as possible. Money is tighter than it has ever been, but i suppose that’s just because of the whole being more independent thing now, actually relying on myself, finally growing up in that sense. I’m an Oven Fresh General Assistant for Morrisons. I always find something to complain about, but frankly i’m grateful to have my job, a pain at times or not, i do enjoy it when it’s not too busy and it actually gets me talking to people, actual human beings, in person. The bosses are pretty great too, fairly lenient whilst also being firm, it’s just nice, I feel like they actually listen to me usually, though other colleagues may not agree. I’ve been there a good few months now, it wasn’t too hard to get a job once i came to Inverness, i suppose that’s because it’s a city, there are many more opportunities than in a small town, and you have less competition to get them for the same reason. At least that’s my take on it.

I guess that’s something else i should mention, I moves to Inverness, to Scotland. Shortly after my last post, so i could be with Annmarie and Lisamarie. Literally just up and left everything for my little shot at happiness, a family. Inverness is a nice place, despite the opinion of many, but i suppose that’s natural, once you’ve been anywhere for a while you tend to get sick of it, well, most people at least. It reminds me of Norwich, not quite as old fashioned, less cobble streets and a distinct lack of tudor architecture, but still beautiful in it’s own way.

Now we get to something else i should talk about. My little shot at happiness. I suppose i moved to fast or something? I don’t know, we were happy for a time. I guess i just wasn’t used to being around people and people weren’t used to being around me, used to the way i was, the way i meant things. I won’t go into too much detail about the whole thing, but lets just say that the months i was with her were the happiest of my life so far, i really felt truly happy. Sure, there were down times, really rocky times and really hard times, but there were really good times too, i don’t know if she’d think the same right now, but, i do look back on those good times and remember them very, very fondly. Being with her, Lisamarie and their family was amazing. I really felt like i had my own little family; wife and daughter. I suppose i might be saying too much, but i also might not be saying enough, i suppose i’ll leave it in that little sort of limbo, kinda safe from either then. I’m gonna have a baby soon, Amandajane, in a few days, maybe even sooner. It’s a bit of a touchy subject for me right now, but know for sure that i love her and i will always be there for her, just as i will Lisamarie, and Annmarie. I’ve decided there’s no use holding onto bad memories or feelings, they cloud your judgement too much. Just repair what you can and make the best out of what you have. I’m excited about the birth, and i hope i can be there when it happens. Time will tell. The last i’ll say on this subject is that I still have a great deal of love and care for my daughters and Annmarie, i’ll be there for them all.

Current living situations? Staying with a friend from work till i can get somewhere else, paying rent/bills and waiting as i try to save, impossible as it may be atm. I am grateful for this roof over my head more than i say, as without it i’d probably be on the streets. Not a whole lot else to say about that really so i’ll leave it there.

Social skills. Getting better. I suppose that’s a given when you work with the public, but still, not great. I’m trying though, trying to talk to old friends and keep the ones i have atm, doing my best to make an effort to talk to people more, even when i don’t really feel like it and just want to hide away for a while. As usual music is always making me smile and affecting my emotions, negatively and positively, but i’m doing my best to be, think and act more positively.

My emotions recently have been up and down, not so much like a rollarcoaster, more thrown around by a hurricane in every direction, occasional residing in the eye of the storm, unsure how to feel but not quite comfortable either.

I’ve been helping a friend with their college work this last week or two. Childcare stuff. I’ve actually really enjoyed it, taken be back to when i was in 6th form. I always have enjoyed writing, whether it be blogging, creatively or in essay form. I just think it helps me to start typing and get lost in it, calms me down i suppose, like a kind of personal meditation. Even if i do find it hard to get started.

Physical health? Back is still killing me as always, lost a few stone since coming to Scotland. That’s about it. I cycle to work now too, it’s either that or an hour walk, which i don’t really feel like doing when it’s still dark out, especially in winter. it’s cold enough in the sunshine, let alone the wind’s chill factor. Then there’s the rain, it’s not too often but when it rains boy does it rain. Nearly got blown off the bike a few times on the way home the other night.

‘Every once in a while in the middle of an ordinary life love gives us a fairytale’, ‘No 1 Dad’, ‘To my lovely Daddy from your Daughter with Love on Fathers Day’ Three things that i look at each time i sit down here or lie in bed. Three items that each fill me with emotion, i’m so grateful to have them, they do make me smile.

Ahh, Christmas. I suppose i can’t avoid that subject, with it being December and all. It’s hard. Really, really hard. Affording Christmas alongside everything else has become difficult but i think i should be ok, skipping 2 of three meals each day is helping alot with costs and isn’t really too hard to deal with. I have cards for everyone, just a few more presents to get. I got my girls their presents already, they weren’t extravagant, but i really hope that they enjoy them. I’m not sure what Christmas day is gonna be like but it should be ok.

Public travel isn’t something i have an issue with anymore, the move out here changed me in many, many ways. Shaped and molded me. This is just one of the changes, having used buses and trains a fair bit they don’t phase me too much anymore. I’ve been down to see family once since i’ve come here, i went down with Annmarie in August when i took some time off from work. I’m really glad they got to meet her, always something i wanted to happen 🙂

I’ve lost contact with one of my very best friends in the last few months, just up and disappeared one day a couple months back; Charlotte, i hope she’s ok. Ever since i met her in highschool she was always there for me. I have had a couple friends there for me recently though, Amy and Sarah. I don’t get to talk to Sarah much but that’s understandable in her position, i’m just grateful for when she’s there to listen to me ramble on. Amy i’m glad is there to listen to me when i’m a miserable shit. I still have my ups and downs like everyone else, my few friends really are my crutches at times, i just hope i’m able to be there in return for people when they need it. I enjoy being there for people, for anyone, as long as they end up smiling then i’ve done a good job. Being there for people isn’t something i’ve done hugely since i finished high school, kinda lost that in 6th form but it’s coming back and i couldn’t be happier about it.

I’ve been trying to get back into my creative writing lately but i just haven’t been able to get started atall, i sat there for about 10 hours once, stayed up most of the night and still barely got a word or two down, i suppose now just isn’t the time. Maybe once my mind is a little lighter and able to relax i’ll find it easier to write like that, to write for fun. I’m glad my typing skills on a keyboard never left me, i do love being able to type at a decent speed, sure i make a few mistakes and miss hit a key every now and then, but for the most part i’m fairly accurate and i enjoy that feeling. Just typing for a while and being able to just let it flow without correcting myself too much. I’ve even noticed i can type without looking at the keyboard for short periods now, just comes with practice i guess.

I’ve really been appreciating how beautiful things look too y’know. From buildings to nature and the sky. it’s just… nice. To be able to have a moment of peace and reflection.

Feelings right now? Not 100% sure, not overly upset or down, but not hugely happy either, just somewhere on a middle ground, but not quite content either. It’s strange, just in the eye of thee storm again i guess.

I’m sure iv’e left out a lot on this post, i mean, this can’t be enough to cover nine months, but this’ll o for now. I’ll try to update more often, but we’ll see. I’ll leave this here for now.

To anyone who has read this far, have an amazing day, and don’t let anyone get you down, you’re worth more than that. Keep smiling, always, and if you need it, i’ll be here to listen to you.

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