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I’ve Been Meaning To

April 3, 2016

So, i’ve been meaning to write for a while now, to update on everything. I don’t know if this will be long or short, but it seems i’ve left posting until i’ve really needed to.

To start off on a happy note before i plummet. My baby girl was born on the 20th December 2015. I see both her and her sister whenever i can, there were a few issues at first but now i’m seeing them alot, and i wouldn’t change it for the world. Seeing my daughters is everything to me. It’s my eldest’s birthday on Tuesday, i can’t wait, shell be three.
I’ve been taking loads of pictures, so, here they are, my little sweethearts.
I love them with all my heart.

 

 

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Now, to get down into the right now and the past few months.

Current Song Playing: Smile Empty Soul – With This Knife

Emotions: Up and down. When it’s up it’s past the sky, when it’s down i can’t see the bottom.
Living Situation: Renting spare rooms. Uncomfortable. Out of place. Uncertain. Unhappy.
Financial Situation: Struggling. Some months I can barely make ends meet, bread and butter or nothing sometimes. Other times I can spoil my little girls when i see them. Hoping to save to get my own place but i don’t know just how realistic that actually is.

I’ve tried making new friends so that there are actually people I could talk to, but i can barely keep those who used to talk to me, let alone make any new ones. I’ve met a few people, though they drift away pretty quickly once they find out what i’m really like. Awkward, random sadness, on edge, anxious, distant.
Though there is one person i’m talking to right now who hasn’t gone, they want to come up and see me, i’m looking forward to it.

My 21st was… barely a birthday to say the least, i went out for lunch with a friend which was nice, but other than that i worked and just came back to my… living conditions, i can’t call it a home when i feel as i do here, hiding away in my room.

Found something interesting lately TWLOHA, i’ll leave a link. To quote their mission ‘To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.’ It’s a worthwhile cause in my eyes. https://twloha.com/

Here’s a blog post from there which i found an insightful read, about depression: https://twloha.com/blog/five-lies-depression-told-me-3/

Now to the right now. Eh… i don’t even know, one minute i was sitting here quite happy and smiley, the next i was feeling like i couldn’t see the surface. I don’t really know what to say, i just, wanted to write something, i try feel a little better. some sleep would probably do me good. I’ve been losing sleep for a while now, less and less every night. Broken up into tiny little sections. bad dreams. Likely i’m just overworked, more hours with no breaks. Then again, that could just be me looking for an excuse to feel like this, i’m not sure right now. I mean, i know i’ll feel better in the morning. I always do, i put on that smile and i go out into the world.
Seeing my daughters though, when i see them, that smile becomes truly real, i’m filled with warmth, love and happiness. Just seeing them smile makes my whole day, just getting walking to them clears any fog in my mind and makes me happy. Soon. Soon.

Have a quote from a youtuber i sometimes watch, Jacksepticeye. It just make me smile on the inside. ‘It’s like punching yourself in the face, tryin’a make lasagna. It’s just not gonna fucking work.’

I’ll leave this here, as i’m not sure what to write.
I hope you all have a great day, just know, it’s ok to not be ok.
You don’t need to pretend you’re ok when you’re not, you will always have people there for you. That includes me, even if you don’t know me, shoot me a message or an email or something, hey, find me on facebook. Stranger or no, i’ll always be here for you and listen to your problems. No one is truly alone. I promise.
Always find that thing that makes you smile 🙂

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